Why I can’t be a pastor.

While I don’t have a present calling to be in ministry, I do believe I did have one before a year or so ago. But I’ve been observing certain things at my current church and I don’t think I could stand ever being a pastor.

I don’t think I could handle the comings and out of congregation members. I’ve been noticing people at church, they don’t show it at all, they seem to enjoy coming to church, and then they never come again after a week. Where do they go? idk, they don’t have facebook so I can’t ask them, I think I would be yelling at them constantly. Now, Mr Pastor doesn’t show anything, but I imagine his pain to be great. How could you go on week after week without worrying if there were 10 or 100 people that would turn up to church that day?

The absence of certain people is noticeable moreso because we have only 40 people at church. Hmph, I would take it personally and wonder all the things I did wrong. Maybe I wasn’t friendly enough…Maybe I didn’t preach how they wanted, maybe it’s an indictment on my preaching or something. I can’t stop to imagine what I said wrong? Yes, maybe I do take things very personally and that is not a good start.

The outworking of this would be I would change to what pleases the audience. So you want 7 minute sermons? Cool, sure as long as you keep on coming and paying my salaries. You want a circus? I’ll give you a marching band too. You want music you can dance to? I’ll bring in KISS, how about that?

Hmph, what can I say? Sinners are hard to please. =P

Furthermore, Pastors are supposed to be good Christians. I am not one. Pastors have to be married young and have 3 nice children who act like angels.  I do not have a wife yet, nor do I have children, so I’m screwed. Moreover, I don’t act very Christianly and I don’t think  i would be someone that should be copied or emulated whatsoever. There are many better Christians than myself, that hold a great passion for the gospel and seeing people saved.

Otherwise, I am too pragmatic to be a pastor. I always think I am such a failure if I only had 40 people going to my church. I would think I’m a failure if I had only 10 people coming to my church, if I only had 1.

That’s half the issue, it’s MY church. I know that I have to tendency when I do something, I have to do it the best and better than everyone else. Being a pastor becomes a competition to see who can entice the most people into my church. Rawr, I think what I mean is that being a pastor becomes a job that I have to work between Monday and Sunday, not a calling from God to serve him.

Maybe that’s the issue, being a pastor is more than a job, it’s a calling from God. A calling from God means that I have to keep on and abide in the place where God calls me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.“John 15:5 (English Standard Version)

So yeah, I would make a terrible pastor. But I still would love to be one, I love interacting with other Christians and encouraging them along the way. And if I’m called I would take it on by the horns. =P

Yeah, that’s all.

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About JN
what happened to dignity / never see it on MTV.

9 Responses to Why I can’t be a pastor.

  1. Well, I certainly understand. Those are all things that worry pastors as it did/does me; seeing people leave is hard. Trying to discipline yourself to be worthy of your calling.

    I’m glad you have put some thought into it; I would also encourage you to reconsider if God could have called you once in the past, and no longer in the present? If so, what changed?

    Please don’t give up if you feel that you are presently inadequate. I was at that point in life back in 2006. Through a great deal of personal-reexamination I was able to see what was stopping me from fulfilling what God did, indeed, want of me. Then I dedicated myself to study and prayer to learn and prepare myself.

    You may not necessarily fit into a traditional organized Church. You might find yourself, one day, equipped to do missions or start a home-Church or something of that nature.

    Anyway,

    Glad to see you thinking about it.

    God bless

    • JN Hong says:

      Yup. Thanks for your comment. I know what you’re talking about…if one has the calling to be pastor, it’s a lifetime calling. I’m just not sure, because I don’t want to rush into something without God specifically telling me. Just wondering…how’d you get into it?

      Missions would be amazing. =D Then again, I know I like putting God into a box and take out what I want.

  2. Well the story of how I got to where I am is pretty long.
    I got into ministry after God tore my life apart and put it back together the way He wanted it; a process which covered about 4 years. I spent a great deal of time in prayer and study, learning from a brother that God sent to train me; a man I am now going to China for missions with. None of my preparation came the way I thought it would. I thought I would get a Bible degree and that would prepare me; all I learned while I was studying Bible at college was to doubt God.

    Back in 2006 I went to the North East on an internship during that summer. The Church and the Pastor were great, but something was wrong. I got greatly discouraged and was afraid; I had too much sin in my life with pornography (struggled with it for nearly 10 years). I wasn’t as good of a speaker as Park (their preacher). I am not as outgoing and naturally good at making conversation with people as he is. etc. The list went on forever.

    Finally I quit the Bible program, switched majors, and started pursuing other things. I never quit believing in God and I never quit wanting to be saved from my sins; I just didn’t know how.

    I moved to Springfield, Mo, to follow my (then) fiancée. Eventually my life had fallen apart to the point that I quit school. I was fighting God; pursuing other directions in my life that He did not want me to go– but He was silent in my life; I felt completely abandoned, yet nothing else was working out.

    Needless to say I wasn’t satisfied. God was still missing and my soul knew it. For the past 6 months I had been praying hard-core to God. I did do my best to quit porn, although I couldn’t. I just kept praying to him. I held on because I felt like if I could just be stubborn enough, and “keep knocking” maybe God would answer! I remember driving one day to my day-job and I cried out to God “GOD! I know you are there! I know you exist. If I haven’t offended you beyond return, IF there is still hope for me, I HAVE to know NOW! If I don’t hear from you today, I’m done. I quit!”.

    Later that early-afternoon one of our service Techs came in (which was rare for him. He never came to the office). He saw my Bible which was over in the corner and he started talking to me about God. I don’t know why, but I opened up just enough to say “well, at the moment I feel a little out-of-favor with God”, or something to that effect, and Brad opened up and started proclaiming Gods word to me. Among the things he shared with me was Romans 8 which says “we have not received a Spirit of Fear but a Spirit of Son-ship by which we cry out, Abba, Father!”

    That hit me hard. God sent His Son so that I might be His Son and so that I would be Free from Sin. There is freedom in Him and power in faith. ALL of the above fears I listed, fears that I sin too much, fears that I’m not good enough, they were all lack of faith!
    So you might say that after nearly 10 years in bondage to pornography, I quit college, went to Springfield, spent 6 months straight praying to God to forgive me and heal me, met a very smart but uneducated service tech who proclaimed God’s word to me in the Spirit and power.

    Following that Brad and I spent the next 6 months in prayer and Bible study which is true Christian fellowship.

    A lot of things were ripped from my life and it was difficult. I lost some family and most all of my friends gradually stopped responding because I had changed. I felt entirely abandoned by ALL except my wife and Brad.

    God had to restore my doubting heart. He had to give me a sincere Faith. I had to learn more than Bible head-knowledge (even though that is extremely important to!). Most of all, I had to be willing to do anything and leave anything behind. What God did was to show me what things I was still attached to and make me decide to break those things and follow Him, trusting that “all those who seek first the Kingdom of God will” be taken care of.

    I did make that decision. I’ve had to leave almost all my friends and entrust them to God’s care. I’ve learned that it is rarely ‘you’ who reach the friends and family closest to you because they know you and your old life.

    So God has brought me into the ministry through a rather unconventional method; something I hope to start teaching the Church to start doing. But out-sourcing our discipleship to the universities is a WHOLE nother topic 😉

    • JN Hong says:

      You should write a blog post about this stuff. Thank you for your openness…

      I guess, personally, I find it hard to change and conform to God’s will. I struggle with pornography as well, and it is such a vicious sin. So your testimony is encouraging certainly.

      “But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;” 1 Corinthians 1:27 (English Standard Version)

      You really are going to China now? Cool…when is that happening?

  3. You are very welcome. I always hope and pray that any measure of my life would be used to encourage. I know the darkness that comes with pornography. It is a vicious sin, as you put it. One that will leave its mark.

    I wouldn’t want to give you a false hope; the struggle will probably stay with you in varying degrees. Usually I do not have a problem on a day-to-day basis when I’m just hanging out. But when a unusually attractive lady walks by bearing almost everything for the world to see, I have trained myself to look away and be on the alert for the next day or so. For me personally, I often find myself most tempted after some kind of attractive or sexual content is placed before me. So I don’t stay around a computer when I’m alone after something like that happens.

    Just know that this is going to be a life-long battle for you. Be willing to get rid of anything (including your computer– I’ve had to go computer-less for a while because of this).

    The most important thing is to know that the struggle of pornography is a bi-product. Examine yourself against God’s word and find out what “seed” of the world is at work within you whether it be discontentment, envy, or something else to that effect. Remove that and you will likely find the struggle greatly lightened.

    Yes, I am going to China. Hopefully August 23rd. We have so much to do ahead of us that, right now, it is a struggle of faith for me to keep pressing on and not doubt the impossibility of everything in front of me to accomplish. Getting the resources for evangelizing a people that do not speak my language, putting together contacts for getting Bibles over there, in addition to just getting everything set that we need to do so that we can go over to work. It is crazy.

    Should we make it over there successfully, it will all be God’s glory! Literally we felt his reaffirmed calling in July and decided to go over by August. If this works, it is truly a testimony of God’s ability to put everything together.

  4. JN Hong says:

    Thank you for your comment.

    RE: Pornography is definitely a lifelong struggle. I’ve been thinking about that recently, I’ve been under this mindset that as soon as you get married I would be free of this sin. But my thought path has been that its getting right with God first and then everything else will improve like you say.

    I know what you’re talking about when you talk about the clothing of women nowadays. It’s horrible and especially Christian girls, don’t they realise what a great temptation they are giving to me? Grr…I heard a good sermon on the topic the other day actually…if you have any spare time you should give it a listen: http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=2250872194 < Validating the Gospel in Modesty.

    Awesomes. I will be praying for China. You'll still be abouts on the net while you're there to keep us up to date?

  5. Yeah. That has always been my flaw; I would get to about 3 days without looking and then see a girl jogging or walking at the mall that hasn’t dressed herself modestly and I would fail.

    When I was pastoring I know I made several women upset, but if I saw a self-proclaimed “Christian” woman that was dressed revealingly I would first talk to her (with another man or my wife present) and tell her that she needs to leave and come back with a better choice of clothing. If she did not do that, which one didn’t, I got up publically and apologized to the Church for her behavior. She never did come back, but I realize the deadliness of this sin and will not tolerate it. Church should be safe from that kind of sin.

    And you are right. Unfortunately. When you get married, the sin doesn’t get any easier. In fact, before I got married I had basically gotten rid of the struggle. I wasn’t masturbating or looking at porn at all and was clean for about 6 months. When I got married, however, you start having sex and that releases those hormones back into your body. It because a huge struggle for me again and I have had to recommit myself to the trust and care of God.

    I pray that He keep me safe from the enemy and trust in His grace.

    Yes, I will do my best to stay online and keep you guys updated. Unless Xanga or WordPress are blocked in China.

    Praying for you, brother.

  6. JN Hong says:

    RE: apologising in front of the church. I think that level of harshness needs to be used….definitely, not to church where we are meeting not only with man but also with a most holy God. I’m sure the consequences will be greater.

    Yup. Fingers crossed it will work. Facebook I know for sure is banned over there….my friend went over there recently and he told me its blocked.

    Thank you for the prayers, I need them. =D

  7. Yeah. Definitely hoping ALL of my blogs are not banned haha!

    Thanks for your prayers!

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